


Everything's Just Peachy

by redfive86



Category: Cats of Grand Central - Diane Duane, Young Wizards - Diane Duane
Genre: Chaos, Gen, Lord Birdemort, Yuletide, Yuletide 2017, so much chaos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-26
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2019-02-07 06:11:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12834966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redfive86/pseuds/redfive86
Summary: Since becoming Advisories (and later Seniors), Tom and Carl's kitchen has seen a lot of use as a meeting room.  Some of those meetings went smoothly.  Some of those meetings went Peach-y.





	Everything's Just Peachy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [teacup_of_doom](https://archiveofourown.org/users/teacup_of_doom/gifts).



“Let us know how things turn out,” Tom said. “Not that we have any doubts-two wizards who can produce a white hole on the first try are obviously doing all right. But give us a call. We’re in the book.”

Tom and Carl walked the two kids to the door, said goodbye, and went back inside. Neither one spoke until the door was firmly shut behind them.

“I can’t believe it. A white hole from halfway across the universe?”

“Never mind that, a _timeslide credit_? If someone’s working on commission, They usually give me a heads up.”

“We’re in trouble, aren’t we?”

Carl shook his head. “There are no coincidences. Our new supervisees are clearly about to get up to something big. We’d best get ready to do a lot of paperwork.”

Tom gave an exaggerated shudder. “Maybe we should suggest paperwork-based Ordeals for new wizards.  Filling out forms is just as terrifying and complicated as taking on the Lone One without backup.”  

“Speaking of forms, oh knowledgeable one” Carl said.  He walked around the kitchen to survey the carnage.  “I think we’re going to need a few of those.”

“Avast ye scurvy knaves this be my treasure!” A splendid scarlet blue and yellow macaw flew into the kitchen and landed on the pile of 141 kg bricks of 999 swiss gold. “Any man who dares to touch it will swing from the yardarms!”

“I’ll swing you from the yardarm, Captain Birdbeard,” Carl said. “You could have been more help to those kids.  Looks like they're going to need it.”

“The truth? You can't handle the truth.”

“Carl has a point, Peach. What do you have for us on those two?  If they make it through this we'll be in for some real adventures.”

“I already told you. Human lives aren’t much like the Dow Jones Average. They’re difficult to predict. You’re the ones who are going to need help with those two.  They’re going to be a handful!”

“We gathered that, thanks.”  Tom crossed the kitchen and pulled a sack of peanuts out of one of the cupboards above the sink.  He opened the top and waved his hand over it to waft the smell across the room.  “I’m not above bribery. Let’s make a deal, you tell us something we should know, and you get- what do we think, Carl?”

“ _A_ peanut.”

“If you're paying peanuts you get monkeys.  Better save that silly money!”

“-a _handful_ of peanuts. One handful for everything useful you can tell us.”  Tom shook the bag a little. “There are only about three handfuls left, you won’t have to give us much.”

“I give an inch and you take a mile and you tell me to jump and I just ask how”

“You’re no Dolly Parton.”  Tom took a handful of peanuts out of the sack and laid them on the table. “Peanut, Carl?”

“Why yes, that would be lovely. All that talk about gnaesters made me hungry.” Carl picked the peanut Tom tossed him out of the air and cracked it open.

Peach’s beady black eyes flicked back and forth between the two wizards, jumping from one open peanut to the other.  

“Another? This is truly a fine vintage of legume.” Tom lofted a second peanut toward Carl and opened a second one for himself.  

“Fine.” Peach’s voice took on a different tone, more sober and a little anxious.  “ _Things will get paunchy before they get serious_.”

“Was that punchy, like the fists, or paunchy, like belly fat?” Tom asked.  

Peach gave Tom a haughty stare. “The best thing about being President is never having to explain yourself.”

“Fine, one handful. What else do you have?”

“ _You’ll get to do a lot of remote work_.”

“I could get behind teleworking from somewhere nice and warm,” Carl said. “Maybe they’ll do something to get us promoted and we can do wizardry from afar. We could move back to the Crossings!”

“Desirable, but not likely. I'm sensing we might be going up against some homonyms with this one.” Tom turned back to Peach. “Two handfuls. Anything else?”

Peach hesitated, her black eyes shifting around as she looked into space.  She went unfocused for a second, then shook her head.

“ _Watch out for the sister, she'll make big changes!_ ”

"Did either of those kids have a sister?" Carl asked, confused.

"I think they both did. That doesn't narrow it down much. And the syntax is weird, 'the' sister.  It almost sounds like she's talking about something more abstract. Maybe a sister being? Or a sister spell?  That doesn't make sense, she sounded almost like she was laughing."

Peach cleared her throat loudly.  "Are you planning to hold up your end of the bargain?" 

"Yes, here. Thank you for your service, most exalted and honored Agent Picchu," Tom said with a flourish and slid the pile of peanuts across the table like a gambler with pocket aces.  Peach lept from the gold bars and set to work on the offering as if she expected it to disappear at any moment.  Tom smiled and pulled his manual from the stack of books on the table, turning to the blank pages in the back for notes.  "So we're going to get fat or fight with something, work from far away, and be changed by an as-yet-unidentified sister, all as a result of working with those kids. I can't say that any of that changes anything." He saw Carl start to open his mouth and raised his hands to cut the other man off.  "I know, I know, there are no coincidences in the service of the Powers, blah, blah." 

"You know I'm right," said Carl. " Speaking of coincidences, what's the going rate for black star sapphires these days?"  He picked one up off the table and held it in the light. 

"I don't think it's high enough to justify the paperwork."  Tom flipped to another section of his manual.  "Speaking of paperwork...I'd be surprised if the Powers had a form for 'Reporting of Stuff a White Hole Dropped In My Kitchen', but stranger things have happened." 

"Current market rates are approximately $250 dollars per carat, with significant price fluctuation for stone quality"  Peach said.  She was surrounded by a vast carnage of tattered remains of peanut shells, but still manged to look somewhat dignified. 

"Thanks," Tom said. "I don't know if I want to know why you have that knowledge at hand." 

"We should lock these up, or she'll be out trying to fence them for us." Carl laughed and patted Peach on the head.  

"I have my connections." Peach ruffled her feathers up in self-importance.  "You should see what I can do." 

Tom and Carl collapsed on the table, crying with laughter. Peach started a little, bothered by their responses. She gave a loud  _Humph!_ and flew out of the kitchen, leaving the humans gasping for air and trying desperately to pull themselves back together. 

"Okay, Carl, focus," Tom wheezed, clutching his side. "Seriously, what do we do about these sapphires..." 

 

====================

 

Carl was halfway through his third cup of coffee when the barking started.  He set his mug on the kitchen table and walked out onto the patio to find the source of the commotion.  He found, to his surprise, two sheepdogs attempting to herd a set of four cats who had appeared in the backyard.  

"Annie! Monty! Is this how you treat our guests?"  The dogs stopped barking and gave Carl sheepish looks.  Carl shook his head at the two dogs and watved at the cats.  "Dai stiho, cousins. Come in!"  

The small herd of cats followed Carl inside and perched on the wooden chairs at the kitchen table, two to a seat.  

"It's good to see you all, although I'm surprised the whole team made the trek out here, Ffairth."  Carl poured two saucers of milk while he spoke.  "I hope you're not about to tell me that the entire New York gating structure is about to go up in flames."  He placed a saucer in front of each of the pairs of cats.  Carl tilted his head in surprise when he set the saucer at the second chair.  "I'm sorry, I don't think we've had the pleasure.  Carl Romero." 

"Urruah is the newest member of our team, Advisory."  Ffairth gestured to the large fluffy grey cat seated next to him.  "He can wrangle a gate like no tom I've seen in years."  

"No  _tom_ is right."  The dappled tortoiseshell cat on the other chair sniffed and flicked her tail in irritation. 

"Saash! Not now!" The black cat next to her hissed and put her ears back.  

"Hunt's luck to you, Urruah."  Carl sat and took another swig of his coffee.  "Well met on the journey.  So, what can I help you with?" 

"A new gate would be a good start." Urruah mumbled.  

"We need a timeslide, Advisory." Rhow cut her colleague off.  "We want to go back about a month to find the instigating event for our current troubles with the Lexington gate."  

"And we'd rather not meet ourselves when we're coming back to check on it in the present."  Ffairth added.  

Carl nodded.  "That makes a lot of sense.  Let me see what I've got."  He pulled a book out of the middle of the stack on the side of the table.  Each volume was nearly the size of a phone book, so Carl had to shift some of the other papers out of the way before he was able to rifle through the pages.  "Shared energy burden, I assume?" 

"Yes, please. All four of us will take the cost."  Rhiow put her paws up on the table.  "Perhaps you can settle a disagreement for us, Harl'th.  We can't decide how to best anchor the timeslide in the vicinity of the gate."  

"Hmmmm."  Carl stopped paging through his manual.  "Normally I'd say it wouldn't matter, but based on what you've been describing in the precis- ow!"  

Carl ducked as a large, feathered object flew past him, grazing his head with its claws.  The bird turned and dove low above the cats at the table, the air from her wings ruffling the fur on the cats.  

Chaos erupted in the small kitchen.  Urruah gave a loud yowl and lept off the chair, front paws swiping after the bird in midair.  Saash followed him, jumping up onto the back of the chair and out, trying to intercept the flying invader.  

"Here kitty, kitty. Bad kitty! Down! Down!"  The parrot cackled with glee as she cut back to fly low over Urruah and Saash.  The sound of claws scrabbling against tile sounded as both cats tore off across the floor to chase after Peach, hissing angrily.  Saash skidded a little as she turned to follow Peach.  She lept several times, each time her paws swiped at empty air.  Peach pivoted mid-air and caught a glass of water on the counter between her claws.  She tapped it just hard enough to make the contents pour directly onto Saash.  Urruah missed the turn and his fluffy form slid into the cabinets.  Peach flew low over Urruah, taunting him.  "Time to get your brakes checked!" she squawked and dove after Urruah again.  He jumped up, ears back, the fur on his tail standing straight out, and dove under the table, as much in an attempt to find cover as to recoup for another attack. 

Behind Peach, Saash laid low to the ground, her hindquarters waggling in preparation for another jump.  As she lept, a large black mass hit Saash right in the middle.  The two cats rolled to the side, a whirling patchwork of colors.  

"That's enough!" Rhiow pinned Saash to the floor.  "We. Are here. For a timeslide. _Not_. For a brawl."  Rhiow punctuated each statement with a paw into Saash's belly.  She kept Saash trapped until the other cat stopped struggling against her.  

Peach circled the room again and landed on Carl's shoulder with a large ruffle of her mussed feathers. 

"You really know how to make an entrance, bird." Carl punched the bird on the side of the beak.  "How many times do I have to tell you not to bother the guests?  Geez lousie..." 

"Urruah, stop washing and get back up next to Ffairth."  Rhiow's tail was swishing from side to side and her gold eyes flashed with anger.  Urruah followed her directions while Rhiow slowly let Saash escape from underneath her.  

"I don't think you've all met, have you?"  Carl sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.  "Machu Picchu, or Peach for short.  She's our in-house future counsel.  Peach, this is the Grand Central gating team, including," he gave Peach a hard look, "the senior technician for the North American worldgates."  

Peach yawned and tried to look nonplussed. "And?" 

Carl punched the side of her beak again. "And you should learn to behave yourself! See how many peanuts you get this week, birdbrains."  

He had a hard time holding back a chuckle when he looked at his visitors.  Rhiow was sitting as formally as possible next to a very soggy Saash, who was washing furiously in an attempt to regain her composure and dry out her fur.  Ffairth was still laying comfortably in the other chair, unmoved, while Urruah kept shifting to new defensive positions to ward off another aerial attack.  

"Any news on that slice of time, Advisory?"  Ffairth chuckled a little and put his whiskers forward.  "I'd hate for us to get distracted again."  

"Just a moment."  Carl stood and walked over to open the door to the basement.  He dropped his shoulder with a practiced move and brushed Peach off, sending her flying into the dark stairwell.   He shut the door quickly, but not quickly enough to avoid a loud thump and muffled squawking from the other side of the door.  He sat back at the table and skimmed the the manual again.  "You're in luck!  Looks like I can give you exactly what you're looking for."  Carl jotted a few things down on the pad of paper.  

"And the deployment?" Rhiow softened a little as the immediate distraction faded along with the muffled squawking from behind the basement door.   

"I think you'll be fine as long as you pin the timeslide to the other end of the platform.  Based on these numbers that should give you enough range where you won't interfere with the hyperstrings of the gate you're working with."  

"Thank you for your assistance, Advisory. I believe the Whisperer will have the rest of the details for us."  Ffairth stood and stretched leisurely.  "And I think we should let you get back to your afternoon."  He gave his fellow cats very pointed looks.  

"Of course.  Dai stiho, Harl'th, and thank you for your help."  Rhiow nudged Saash and the two cats jumped down from the chair and headed toward the door.  Carl stood and outpaced them with a couple long strides, opening the door enough for the parade of cats to leave.  

"Just a moment, Ffairth," Carl said, once the other three cats had left.  "Was that really all you needed?  That's quite a trip for not a lot of information."  

"Indeed.  But not too much of a trip for an important show and tell."  Ffairth flicked the tip of his tail conspiratorially.  "What did I tell you?  She's the best one for the job." 

"You didn't need to bring her all the way out here to show me." 

Ffairth gave another casual flick of his tail.  "Oh, did you think this visit was for _you_?  No, Harl'th, I wanted her to know what she'll be getting into.  It's always better to be prepared.  Not that she knows what's coming yet."  

"And hopefully not for a long time.  Hunt's luck, Ffairth.  Let me know how the Lexington gate turns out."  

"Of course, Advisory.  Dai stiho!"  Ffarith brushed against Carl's shin and sauntered off after the rest of his team.  

 

====================

 

Tom walked around the kitchen table for at least the twelfth time, reaching out to straighten the tea cups yet again.

Carl sighed audibly from where he stood by the stove.  “Stop fussing, man! She’s just making a house call to say hello. It’s not like we haven’t met her before.”

Tom laughed sharply. “I know for a fact that’s the fourth pot of coffee you’ve made this afternoon, don’t pretend like you’re not nervous too.”

Tom paused, not wanting to start another fight.

“I know we’ve met Irina before, but this is the first time we’ve seen her as seniors.”

“That hasn’t escaped me.” Carl turned to look at Tom. “But we’re already seniors! Only the Powers can demote us. They won’t waste that energy by taking it back because of a bad cup of tea.”

Carl laughed at his own joke and leaned his forehead against Tom’s, his hands moving up to grip the other man’s arms. “And if they do, we’ve gotten into the wrong business.”

Tom relaxed a little. “As usual, you’re r-”

He was interrupted by a squawk and a loud crash from the table in the center of the room.

Carl’s head shot up. “Bird! What did we agree about the table?” He stepped around Tom and headed across the kitchen, waving his arms at the flurry of scarlet blue feathers flapping above the table.  The feathers took off, flying through the opening into the hallway which ran to the front of the house. 

Tom shook his head and reached into the cabinet for the broom and dust pan, smiling at the tapestry of profanity and threats of bodily harm Carl was weaving while he chased after Peach. He jumped when he saw a woman standing on the other side of the high glass patio doors. She was petite, early 30’s, with bold highlights in her shaggy blonde hair, and a small yellow parakeet perched on the shoulder of her grey wool dress.

“Uh...Carl? Carl! We’ve got company!” Tom shouted, unsure if he could be heard over the din coming from the living room. He waved awkwardly at the the woman and opened the door to let her in.

“Dai stiho Irina!” Tom was surprised to find the greeting came out as almost a shout. “Welcome, welcome, come in!”

The planetary wizard for Earth stepped into his kitchen with only the faintest glance toward the cacophony in the front room.

“I apologise, I am early. There was not any worldgate traffic, it did not take me as long as I thought it would. It this...a bad time?”

Another loud crash came from the living room, accompanied by the theme from Jeopardy rendered in loud squawks.

“Not the lamp, you feathered mongrel! How would you like to experience Pluto this time of year?”

Tom pressed his lips together, the corners of his mouth twitching upward slightly. “Business as usual around here, I’m afraid.”

He gestured toward one of the wooden chairs at the table. “Please, sit! Our resident oracular just decided to go rogue.”

“In the service of the One…” Irina chuckled and sat, stepping carefully around the broken teacups. “Do not get any ideas,” she said, tapping the parakeet on the beak.

“You still take public transit?”

“Old habits die hard. I enjoy the opportunity to vi-” Irina was cut off by the theme to MASH, rendered again in high-pitched squawks.

“I’ll show you something that isn’t painless, bird. Get down from that shelf!”

Tom winced at each of the next two crashes.

“I think perhaps…” Irina raised one long finger in front of her. Tom could almost feel see the power rippling through the air.

A single squawk came through the wall, followed by a thud.

“Ha! Got you, you half-rate, feather-brained, use- Oh! Planetary! Dai stiho! Uh...:” Carl rounded the corner, Peach held in his hands, and trailed off as he realized who was seated at his kitchen table.

“It is very nice to see you again, Senior,” Irina smiled a little at the title. “And, of course, your associate. I do not believe that we have been formally introduced.” She traced a small symbol with her finger and Peach began to struggle against Carl’s hands.

“Irina, Machu Picchu, Peach for short,” Tom said, emptying the dustpan into the trash. Irina inclined her head at the macaw as Peach climbed sulkily to perch on Carl’s shoulder.

“It is very nice to meet you. But I believe we have heard enough from you for now. You know,” she turned to address Tom and Carl, “I thought I’d wait until the excitement died down to pay my respects, but it appears the excitement never dies down.”

Tom chuckled and handed Irina an unbroken mug. “That would be an understatement. Now, what can we get you?”

Carl fixed the drinks and the three settled in at the table, swapping stories from lifetimes of errantry. Neither Tom nor Carl failed to notice the small gestures Irina made while they spoke. They also did not miss that when Peach launched herself off of Carl’s shoulder toward the table she merely circled around to land back on Carl’s shoulder. Peach crept down to the table and put her weight on the edge of a saucer, the cup didn’t budge. Frustrated, Peach landed on the back of Irina’s chair and tried to snap at Irina’s ears, but her beak was somehow unable to close. Eventually Peach took to pacing along the edge of the table, muttering to herself and and shooting glares at Irina. Carl was describing a recent meeting he’d had with the Stationmaster at the Crossings when Irina raised a few fingers to scratch the top of Peach’s head. Peach sat, all stone, trying not to show she was enjoying the attention.

“It was the strangest feeling,” Carl said. “I’ve never felt unsettled at the Crossings, not once. I lived there for a few years before I met Tom. It’s like a second home to me, but something just didn’t feel right.”

While he spoke, Peach began to melt into Irina’s caresses, her crest feathers lifting above her head in pleasure.

“It is the Earth, I think,” Irina said, shifting her hand to get a better angle on Peach. “I noticed the same thing when I became a senior. We who are more important to the Earth, it is uneasy and calls for us when we are not near.”

She looked at Peach. “Is is the same as the call of Timeheart for the Powers, no? Wherever the call, we cannot ignore it.” She gave the side of Peach’s beak a pat with her fingertip and yawned loudly.

“ My apologies, cousins. As rare as it is to travel for a purely social visit, it is very late in my country. I am afraid I must get back.” Irina sat back in her chair and looked at Peach. “But first, I think you have something to tell me, yes?” She traced another symbol in the air.

Peach let out a small test squawk. “And I… will always love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!”

“Not exactly the music of the spheres, bird,” Carl growled.

Peach ruffled her feathers in frustration. “Fine. Don’t ignore the shadows. Do look directly at the light. And don’t be afraid to try again!”

“Thank you. I will keep that in mind. Now, I had better get home, my partner will be waiting for me. Dai stiho, cousins. I am very glad to have your better acquaintance.” Irina hugged both men and walked toward the door.

“And you.” Irina pointed at Peach. “I think you will not have to wait much longer. Goodnight cousins!” She shut the patio door behind her and vanished silently.

“We have got to get her to teach us those moves.” Carl whistled and draped an arm around Tom’s shoulders.

“Desperately.” Tom slid his arm around Carl’s waist.

“I wonder what she meant with that crack about the Powers she made to Peach. And that thing about waiting. That was weird.”

“Probably just trying to butter her up after keeping her quiet all afternoon. I mean…” Tom gestured with his head toward where Peach was taunting the dogs from the top of the dog food container. “Unless we’re harboring an avatar of the Lone Power. Actually, now that I think of it…”

Carl snorted. “Don’t give Them any ideas. It’s mad enough around here already. Dinner?”

“You get the food, I’ll get Lord Birdemort.”

“Deal.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for the prompt! I've long assumed there would be constant chaos with Peach around, so it was fun to think about how she'd instigate, particularly at very important moments for Tom and Carl (and company). Troublemakers, man.


End file.
